The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

Many Christians want the benefits of their belief, but they hesitate at the cost of discipleship.

Jeffrey Murdock is a colossal turd.""Can I stitch that on a sampler and put it on Etsy?""Sure.

A man's doubts and fears are his worst enemies.

The opportunity to lecture had restored my good humor.

I was on the San Diego school board for 4 years, where I watched children successfully matriculate into elementary schools from Head Start programs from all around our city.

Love has been called the most effective motivational force in all the world. When love is at work in us, it is remarkable how giving and forgiving, understanding and tolerant we can be.

No insect hangs its nest on threads as frail as those which will sustain the weight of human vanity.

That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not.

It is curious and we magicians collect curiosities, you know.