The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Even when we're standing at the scariest precipice ever, our soul still cries out for joy.

Next to the Bible, nature is to be our great lesson book.

People look for their passions. But often, the passions find you. How does your #‎ passion find you? When you are good at something, you get passionate about it. That’s it.

No responsibility of government is more fundamental than the responsibility of maintaining the highest standard of ethical behavior for those who conduct the public business.

it is possible to study fashion the way one can study a work of art, so that it reflects significantly upon the issues and conflicts of its own day.

One does not begin to make a garden until he wants a garden. To want a garden is to be interested in plants, in the winds and rains, in birds and insects, in the warm-smelling earth.

History will see advertising as one of the real evil things of our time. It is stimulating people constantly to want things, want this, want that.

In my book, all manners are is thinking of somebody else.

During an early performance of 'Spamalot,' I left my regal gloves in the fridge to cool down and didn't remember them until I was on stage. They needed to be thawed overnight.

I come from a great family. I've seen family life and I know how wonderful, how nurturing, and how wonderful it can be.