The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Remember that if you don’t prioritize your life someone else will.

Gratitude is twin sister to humility; Pride is foe to both.

Recognize that you are a spiritual being who is part of a large cosmic family of spiritual beings. You have the power, strength, and talent to fulfill your own individual earthly destiny.

I love playing a character that eats on television. It's so fun.

Laugh...It's the sweetest thing one can do for oneself and one's fellow human beings.

I think if you look at people, whether in business or government, who haven't had any moral compass, who've just changed to say whatever they thought the popular thing was, in the end they're losers.

In a work of art, chaos must shimmer through the veil of order.

With little loan you get a friend, with big loan an enemy.

The one measure of true love is: you can insult the other. --Slavoj Zizek

Americans need to see people who are honestly trying to learn from each other, even as we make our own points powerfully and fight for our own values and policies.