The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Pleasure is a kind servant, but a cruel master.

I'm late to everything. I've always wanted to have it written in my will that when I die, the coffin shows up a half hour late and says on the side, like in gold, 'Sorry I'm Late'.

I can no longer condemn or hate a brother for whom I pray, no matter how much trouble he causes me.

The way I see it is, I am a boon to the English language.

In a rock garden we foster a little patch of the wilderness that stands to us for freedom.

What you once were isn't what you want to be anymore.

I find that screenwriting is at best kind of a hackwork in some ways.

Stop giving someone else the job of making you happy.

Education is the sum total of one's experience, and the purpose of higher education is to widen our experiences beyond the circumscribed existence or our own daily lives.

He's loved of the distracted multitude, who like not in their judgement, but their eyes.