The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Her mother admonished through closed lips, the sound a mother can make mean anything from "pick up your socks" to "we are very disappointed you have murdered those orphans.

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.

Considering all the legal hassle child stars can be, I won't be surprised when they are phased out by CGI children voiced by adult actors.

A friend of mine once said that there were only two truly national events in the history of the United States. One was the Civil War and the other one was the Depression.

I think synergies are a lot like UFOs: Lots of people claim to have seen them, but few can actually prove they exist.

...she is too beautiful, I think, to not be inherently evil.

I've never been able to reuse characters, I've often wanted to. I've never been able to get people to cooperate. I can't get anyone together on any kind of deal.

Time and space cannot play any part between two loving hearts.

Leadership is only courage and wisdom, and a great carefulness of self.

I can remember playing under the big wooden desk in his office. My mother didn't like us to chew gum, so we'd go into his office, and he'd feed us gum under the desk.