The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Those who mouth your sacred words with an accent you deem wrong annoy you more than those speaking something you cannot understand.

looking for the pi in my onion

Talk radio has almost ruined the sports fan.

Well, I don't know. Home Alone, I was a lot younger and I was in every shot and it was a lot colder, so Home Alone was physically demanding but more like being able to stand for a long time.

In a town church the right place for the admission of light.

A good solid bit of work lasts.

Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you'll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions?

If we don't invest now in building character into children we will surely invest more tomorrow in trying to repair adults.

Whatever a woman's reason may say, her feelings tell her the truth.

I'm so critical, especially of the movies I do. If the movie flows and I buy it, that's important. Beyond it working, if I buy the character, especially if I'm close to the character.