The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

I now remembered that Mrs. Todd had told me one day that Captain Littlepage had overset his mind with too much reading.

Nothing is real. There is only what we believe in and what we reject.

Novelist by day

Ninety-nine percent of all failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses.

I just refuse to listen to any more lies. You hear them from FEMA, you hear them from Red Cross and I just didn't want to hear it from him.

Nuclear is not only emissions-free, but renewing our commitment to nuclear power will create countless jobs at a time when our nation endures nearly double-digit unemployment.

The man who becomes a critic by trade ceases, in reality, to be one at all.

When the heart flies out before the understanding, it saves the judgment a world of pains.

I have always found clowns really fascinating, especially on film. Even as a kid I was never scared of them.

Irreverence is easy - whats hard is wit.