The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

Empowered women empower women.

Knowledge increases responsibility.

Perhaps there was an unstoppable magic inherent in music and art.

Be careful with your gift. It can lead to your success or your destruction.

My mother was into opera and my father was into jazz, so there was a lot of jazz in the house where I grew up.

Lenny Bruce is a very moral man trying to improve the world and trying to make audiences think

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.

Glance at the sun. See the moon and stars. Gaze at the beauty of the green earth. Now think.

Endure and save yourselves for happier times.

The crown of life is neither happiness nor annihilation; it is understanding.