The real question is how do you stay funny in your 70s and 80s? And that's a real accomplishment, you know, the longevity.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

The Decision...I wiped my hands on my pinaforenow sullied and stainednot crisp or pressedas it had been before...

Asking someone to deny their own inner reality causes further rupture.

There is no man more complete than the one who travelled a lot, who changed the shape of his thoughts and his life twenty times.

Time doesn't seem to pass here: it just is.

It is said to await certainty is to await eternity.

I remember us coming to Denver when Hank was coach and we were up by four touchdowns just before halftime when Hank decided to go for an onside kick.

I'm terribly nostalgic, but I'm with the Elizabethans who thought nostalgia was a disease. It's a dangerous place to be because you can get caught up in it.

Usually the most interesting stories are written not on paper but hearts.

Don't try to be just like some other singer hitting it big - find your own style and be honest in your performances. And never underestimate your audience.

You try and work hard and get better each week. I play the game with passion. I enjoy the game. It's a lot of fun when I'm out there. That's the way I play. For some reason, people like that.