The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

History and experience tell us that moral progress comes not in comfortable and complacent times, but out of trial and confusion.

I don't even like to use the word relationship. I don't know what it means.

It is necessary that I should die for my people; but my spirit will rise from the grave and the whole world will know that I was right.

And upsidedown in the earth a dead man walks upon my soles when I walk.

The best convent for a woman is the seclusion of her own home. There she may find her vocation and fight her battles, and there she may learn the reality and the earnestness of life.

Confidence is the most important quality in all athlete-coach relationships.

Now I've got that [life is a journey not a destination] tattooed on my arm because it just reminds me of that time, and I think it's just an amazing quote.

The advantage of Fashion is that there is no racism

Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

Successful guilt is the bane of society