The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

...the imagination is unleashed by constraints. You break out of the box by stepping into shackles.

If your coming into the world was a mistake, then you are the most beautiful error in the universe.

I cannot heave my heart into my mouth. I love your majesty according to my bond

New York - that unnatural city where every one is an exile, none more so than the American

You are beautiful no matter what they say, remember words can´t bring you down

Any love that is love is right.

The grand highway is crowded w/lovers & searchers & leavers so eager to please & forget. Wilderness.

There is a kind of classlessness in the theater. The rehearsal pianist, the head carpenter, the stage manager, the star of the show-all are family.

Science is teaching man to know and reverence truth, and to believe that only so far as he knows and loves it can he live worthily on earth, and vindicate the dignity of his spirit.

One of those heavenly days that cannot die.