The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

Deep pockets and empty hearts rule the world. We unleash them at our peril.

Are there memories left that are safe from the clutches of phony anniversaries?

I didn't do anything spectacular when I won the Open in 2001. I hit the ball good, not great. I putted good, not great, but I think I missed maybe two putts inside eight feet all week.

When I took my first poetry class, I felt that I could understand the relationships between words and the formal qualities of language in a way I would never understand music.

But my body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires.

Everybody on a championship team doesn't get publicity, but everyone can say he's a champion.

I had some surgery on my feet, which has helped my back some.

I know we loved each other, but distance can do strange things to people and before I was willing to tell you about it, I wanted to be certain that it would last

We are borrowing $40,000 per second.

Wild Thing made their hearts sing. But he couldn't top everything.