The roadwork is just rehearsal for that DVD you're going to film a year later.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

CHAOS IS THE MASTER ALL MUST BOW TO IN THE END

The association of books with their readers is unlike any other between objects and their users.

We live in very, very, very dangerous times.

Circumstances will never determine your amount of happiness. Circumstances only highlight who you already are.

But I have been in some very beautiful churches, then I've looked outside and seen people starving to death.

Faith is the path of least resistance.

Yes, too much emphasis is put on outward physical attributes in every area of American life.

Time makes ancient good uncouth.

A major reason capable people fail to advance is that they don't work well with their colleagues.

Procreative power & priesthood power are shared by husband & wife