The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Genes are overrated...Genes never helped anybody pick the right foods or hit the gym floor at 6 am. Its you as a person

I try to stay focused on my creativity.

Bebop is the music of the future (as soon as they learn how to play it).

There are two noble things in life: one to do charity and other to look after your body.

I do think imperfection's underrated.

Don't trap yourself with the desire of wanting to be liked.

In other words, musicians know that going back to the Spoonful, what we were doing was not copying.

I've always felt that feminism was just an excuse for ugly women to march.

One must learn an inner solitude, wherever or with whomsoever he may be.

I like myself as I am, more desiring than desirable.