The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

I ... am left with the lingering feeling that the places we go in our minds to find comfort have little to do with where our bodies go.

In a world of selfie-addiction smile usually is the brand name for an essential drug called pretense

We sometimes emphasize the danger in a crisis without focusing on the opportunities that are there.

I would leave at once, but it would be cruel to abandon a lady in a foreign land with a maniac.

One thing I always found hard to stomach over the past few years is that being a DJ or musician is a career opportunity.

There is suffering and there is joy. Your life is very short, and then you're back again for another and another, forever, unless you step off the wheel.

Do we really need another picture of Paris Hilton or Naomi Campbell?

I will be sad. I've gotten very attached to Harry and all that goes on in his world, I guess I'll just be kind of tasting every bit of it because it will be the last one.

You’re able to accomplish anything you set out to accomplish.