The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Back of every noble life there are principles that have fashioned it.

I'm always glad to see somebody rethink something rather than reproduce something I did.

I found Elvis on the Internet, I went camping with a young cadet, he showed me his bayonet.

God who sends the wound sends the medicine.

When you start, it's not to do with the material so much. It's more to do with how you can control a crowd and make friends with an audience and sell your brand of humor.

At certain moments of intense personal grief, capturing images was for me the only way to comprehend later what was happening.

When you work in the inner mind, you invoke and receive the help of the impersonal, unlimited resources of the universe.

Give us this day our daily mask.

It is a thousand times more sensible to climb one foot up the mountainside than to chatter for years about the mountaintop.

Whoever degrades another degrades me, And whatever is done or said returns at last to me.