The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Writing was the only thing that populated my life and made it magic.

They fear as I once feared you, ” he said. “As you once feared me. We are all someone’s monster, Nina

The Abrahamic God is a disease masquerading as its own remedy which we desperately need to cure.

That's because they're people, only smarter. They know us better than we know them, and a lot of them have a sense of humor. They're exactly like us minus our useless mental power and thumbs.

Sometimes power is all a person has, so they will protect it even unto their own destruction, for without power they have nothing.

Knowledge of what is does not open the door directly to what should be.

Nicotine is both a stimulant and a depressant, so that can make one feel quite imbalanced.

There is sorrow in the world, but goodness too; and goodness that is not greenness, either, no more than sorrow is.

Believe in yourself, know yourself, deny yourself, and be humble.

Officiating is the only job in America that everybody knows how to do better than the guy who is doing it.