The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

As much as I had always longed to be freed of my duties and obligations, being released from such bonds was as much a severing as an emancipation.

I said I was impressed, Martha. I'm beside myself with jealousy. What do you want me to do, throw up?

If you wait for the right time or the good times to start a business, you wait all your life.

Anniversaries are like birthdays: occasions to celebrate and to think ahead, usually among friends with whom one shares not only the past but also the future.

We built this country by making things, by producing goods we could sell.

Great faith must have great trials.

I like a bit of mongrel myself, whether it's a man or a dog.

Making movies is eating candy. It's a very expensive candy, so you value when you can do it. So when you can do it twice at once, it's like, you know, a kid in a candy store!

In business, as in baseball, the prizes go most often to the organizations that pursue their objective hard and relentlessly every day of the year.