The simplest strategy for bouts of noxious flatus is to not care. Or perhaps to take advantage of a gastroenterologist I know: get a dog. (To blame.)

I challenge you to find a more innocuous sentence containing the words sperm, suction, swallow, and any homophone of seaman. And then call me up on the homophone and read it to me.

It tastes like water spiked with strange.

The human digestive tract is like the Amtrak line from Seattle to Los Angeles: transit time is about thirty hours, and the scenery on the last leg is pretty monotonous.

Constipation ran Presley's life. Even his famous motto TCB— 'Taking Care of Business'— sounds like a reference to bathroom matters.

It's called the FATLOSE trail. FATLOSE stands for 'Fecal Administration To LOSE weight, ' an example of PLEASE— Pretty Lame Excuse for an Acronym, Scientists and Experimenters.

People are messy, unpredictable things.

Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).

Figure out what you care about...and then care about it

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.

Life is sometimes hard, and you have to laugh your way through it.

The awakening of the people of China to the possibilities under free government is the most significant, if not the most momentous, event of our generation.

When ideology and theology couple, their offspring are not always bad but they are always blind.

Sailing, the most expensive way to travel 3rd class

Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?

You can know the secrets of life. It doesn't happen to anyone special. You just decide that you want an uncommonly fine life and you will it.

Never compromise and sell yourself short.

I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.