The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

There is always a storm. There is always rain. Some experience it. Some live through it. And others are made from it.

The art of hearing what somebody has to say is actually, listening.

The future of America is not an entitlement. We have been given a treasure chest of gifts and opportunities, but some people are being left behind, and success is not sustainable unless it is shared.

I never stop working when I'm on stage, and that's my fitness.

Why wait for the loss of hearing to appreciate sound? Turn off the white noise of your thoughts and start to listen.

The realism frightens me more than the bubble gum-y, heightened stuff.

Be yourself is all that you can do.

There is no one who would have me - I can't cook.

Companies don't give job security. Only satisfied customers do.

You don't have to be straight. You just have to shoot straight.