The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

You became moon dust in my soul, I couldn't quite brush you away because somehow you always returned to haunt my heart.

Because it is my destiny, Zabdas! Because I've always known the gods made me for something more -- more than just a wife, just a mother, just a woman. They made me for power!

Every great achiever is inspired by a great mentor.

Be Yourself: It is proper netiquette to act as you do in reality on the internet. NetworkEtiquette.net

If I was a billionaire, I'd be smart with my money.

What I'm telling you is there's too many junk lawsuits suing too many doctors.

I will destroy my enemies by converting them to friends.

I have always been rather better treated in San Francisco than I actually deserved.

Most everything means nothing, except some things that mean everything.

I had no intention to cover my tracks since I am not a politician and I do not represent anybody.