The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience.

I think the solution to making this world better is if we would just be healthy, mentally.

You release these things, and if they fly then you have more.

I've decided to get into shape, and the shape I've selected is a triangle.

If we take care of our mental health like our dental health; we'll be ok.

I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment.

There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another tax bracket.

People who annoy people are the luckiest people in the world.

After being on the road so much I want to spend more time with my family, who I hear are wonderful people.

Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell.

If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? If I'm a game show host, will I get an offer to do a dramatic role in a movie?

Because women never say what they think.

I was introverted, shy. But if you win a lot you need to be extroverted, or they'll think you're arrogant.

The scruffier your beard, the sharper you need to dress.

It is invariably saddening to look through new eyes at things upon which you have expended your own powers of adjustment.

I can't do this because I can't...I can't be the man I want to be with you. And that means that this - this just becomes...another reminder of what I am not.

For a kid who's lost his mom and all the rage and grief that no one was able to talk out of me, football was a very therapeutic sport. Very.

Whenever known and sufficient causes are available, it is anti-scientific to discard them in favour of a hypothesis that can never be verified.

There are purple grapes in the Land of Git-Thare.

Intelligence is a fixed goal with variable means of achieving it.

Actually, my ideal life would be to have an evergreen tree farm and, every December, I'd load them up and just stand out on the street and sell Christmas trees.