The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

We are the Masters of each moment.

This, it would turn out, is the main thing we had in common: a susceptibility to the brassy escapism of myth.

A taste so profound and complex that it can't even be compared to other tastes, only to emotions. Cheesy waffles, I was thinking, tastes like love without the fear of love's dissolution.

All that makes existence valuable to any one depends on the enforcement of restraints upon the actions of other people.

I think I was almost 12, so I knew who George C. Scott was, but if I could work with George C. Scott now, I'd be so pumped.

A friend must not be injured, even in jest.

I think if you want good things to happen for a country like Haiti, then you need to provide the circumstances where the Haitians can do that.

The machine conceals the machinations.

Man has created death.