The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.

We are not meant to know the time or the nature of our deaths (for all of us secretly hope that we may be immortal).

The thing is, it's not uncool to worry about people who seem like they're going on the wrong path. There's nothing cool about being self-destructive.

Encourage 'random' picks on the ball because they cannot be scouted

We don't have a "consciousness meter" that'll tell us exactly how conscious something is. I think we might get there eventually.

As a young man, I went to Paris and soaked up many hours of film knowledge from Robert Hakim in my efforts to become a producer.

Seek to do good, and you will find that happiness will run after you.

Doubt is a virus that attacks our self-esteem, productivity and confidence. Faith that you and your life are perfectly unfolding is the strongest vaccine.

Being cheerful keeps you healthy

Appreciate what you have while you have it and the beauty in what’s there right now and try to preserve it for tomorrow.