The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Be one with today’s adventure.

This is a wonderful planet, and it is being completely destroyed by people who have too much money and power and no empathy.

Sparky Lyle went from Cy Young to Sayonara.

I'd be a very easy therapist's subject.

Such a letter was not to be soon recovered from. . . . Every moment rather brought fresh agitation. It was an overpowering happiness.

I strongly agree that a National Intelligence Director should be established to oversee and coordinate the 15 federal intelligence agencies.

I love to go to the studio and stay there 10 or 12 hours a day. I love it. What is it? I don't know. It's life.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness, and I know, Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold, Hey, I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good...

A community is like the ones who govern it.

People call me crazy and a madman. Even 'Tasmanian Devil.' I'd rather be called the 'Tasmanian Angel.'