The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

That's always the worst: the not knowing. Because then you're stuck with a hundred questions no one can answer.

I am an Author a person who plays with words so they can dance in the minds of others

Our society is not a community, but merely a collection of isolated family units.

It's a lot harder to play football when you haven't got the ball.

Don't give up before the miracle happens.

I know I could never be in a pop band. I honestly have an appalling voice.

It is well to think well; it is divine to act well.

When you hear designers complaining about the challenge of their profession, you have to say: don't get carried away-it's only dresses.

Deep down inside we're all the same. We all have the same emotions.

I don't know any woman who doesn't have an anxiety attack about wearing a bathing suit.