The things I've bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis.

It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.

Oh, for Christ's sake, ' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.

Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home, '" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home, '" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children, '" I said.

It is better to inquire of God than seek your own ways?

Nothing is too big for [God] to handle and nothing is so small that it's unworthy of His attention. There is no such thing as a silly prayer.

You may well warn me against such an evil. Human nature is so prone to fall into it!

Because of the power that we have given money: The government would rather have taxpayers who do not vote, than voters who do not pay tax.

You write a lot of books; you hope you get better.

We believe unbelievable progress can be made, in both inventing new vaccines and making sure they get out to all the children who need them.

If the broadcasters were to win on their claims, they'd outlaw the DVR.

Talkin', talkin, talkin', talk. Baby, let's just knock it off. They don't know what we been through. They don't know 'bout me and you.

Appearance is a type of power.