The time that I have on this earth should just be filled with good times.

I'm not on this earth to be a goalie. I'm not here to stop somebody from accomplishing their goals. If you're not hurting anybody, I'm here to either assist or get out of the way

I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future.

It's a Vietnamese soup that answers the question, 'What happens when a former child soldier pours hot rain water over fish nightmares.' It's delicious and I can't stop eating it, that's what happens.

I was raised Catholic in the Midwest, so I cant enjoy anything.

What is there to say about ChUC other than it's a comedy show done the right way in the right space. Fantastic comics, welcoming audience. Always great.

I am somehow allowed by the universe to do exactly what I want to do to make a living.

Sometimes your dreams come true, and its a real drag.

Comedy doesn't have to be loud and obnoxious and beat you over the head. It can be this really small detail that, when it computes in your brain, you think, "That's great. That's masterful."

Young writers take themselves very seriously in college.

I'm lucky I'm a comedian, 'cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.

If women are so smart, how come hardly any philosophers have been, and now are, female?

To whom to speak when the other no longer is? The place is empty when emptiness occupies all of the place.

Some, merely to contradict what I had said, did not scruple to cast doubt upon things they had seen with their own eyes again and again.

They say sleep is the cousin of death, guess we related... Cause I'm the most slept on, and the most hated.

If it gets too bad, go. I’ll understand.” I won’t.

I'm mainly an airport author, and if you're trying to take your mind off the journey, you're not going to read 'King Lear.'

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

I closed my eyes and let the music flow through me, cleansing my soul of all fear and sin and reminding me that I am always better than I think and stronger than I believe.

Growing up with two sisters, you either play by yourself or play Barbie with them. I played by myself.

I mean, I'm obviously not one of those people who's so beautiful women take their clothes off when I walk into the room. I didn't become a star overnight.