The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

In an age of iPhones and Playstations, it's great to see that somebody's still rocking the bus-on-a-string.

Then the hard, dry Spaniards came exploring through, greedy and realistic, and their greed was for gold or God. They collected souls as they collected jewels.

A lizard is a perfect pet for a model. They only need feeding once a fortnight. And I'm always travelling, so it's perfect. If I had a dog, it would drop dead of starvation.

Power is the ability to take one's place in whatever discourse is essential to action and the right to have one's part matter.

Proverbs are for the most part rules of moral, or, still more properly, of prudential conduct.

We're a bit flashy, but the music's not one big noise.

In ten phrases, the ten commandments express the essential of life. And these three words--liberty, equality, and fraternity--do just as much. Millions of people have died for those ideals.

Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.

I didn't want to be a slave to any passion anymore. I gave up card playing altogether, even bridge and gambling - more or less. It took me a few years to get out of it.

I really like my life. I've arranged my life so that I can do what I want.