The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

If you can't stand yourself, neither can anybody else!

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.

A great NOW will be a great WAS! A bad NOW will always be a bad WAS, and all you can hope for is a Great GONNA BE!

If you have no tragedy, you have no comedy. Crying and laughing are the same emotion. If you laugh too hard, you cry. And vice versa.

Jazz is a beautiful woman whose older brother is a policeman.

People come up to me and they thank me: 'I thank you for the many, many hours of laughter.'

Every language has its own music.

It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be.

I am an optimist, I always hope for the best.

I'm a bit of a night owl because that's when I feel the most creative and alive.

The only quality that distinguishes the greats from the masses, is the unwillingness to give up.

What Douglas had once seen as the attractive over-confidence of youth, now looked more like unyielding selfishness.

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch. Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, You've got garlic in your soul.

I think it's one of the reasons I wrote my book later in life. My parents didn't have these extreme alternations of conduct. They were very sweet to me.

And take back ill-polished stanzas to the anvil.

Character lives in a man, reputation outside of him.

In the evenings I studied chemistry at the University of Chicago, the weekends I helped in the family store.