The trouble with women in an orchestra is that if they're attractive it will upset my players and if they're not it will upset me.

The function of music is to release us from the tyranny of conscious thought.

They are quite hopeless - drooling, driveling, doleful, depressing, dropsical drips.

Composers should write tunes that chauffeurs and errand boys can whistle.

"Have you heard any Stockhausen?" Beecham was asked. "No, but I believe I have stepped in some."

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it.

The sound of a harpsichord - two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm.

Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory.

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on.

I am just as human as the man.

Everything you mean to me, I can't put into words, because when you're as perfect as you, no amount of words will do.

...all she could think was 'This is how close a kiss is'. It felt every bit as dangerous as she'd imagined.

A politican is an animal who can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

The reward of suffering is experience.

Given that evolution is a fact, this lack of evolution needs to be explained.

Well, I think that you know, I threatened myself with quitting after every movie. But I think everybody does that, right?

Don't eat me. I am an inchworm. I am useful. I measure things.

He's a smart guy, but I think I'm a genius.

It is very grand to die in harness, but it is very pleasant to have the tight straps unbuckled and the heavy collar lifted from the neck and shoulders.