The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Marriage to the groom does not means that his heart belongs to the bride.

As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life.

The question is always 'What is the role of a labor movement?' How much is about collective bargaining, how much is about social change for all workers?

I'm a free person; I feel terribly free. They could put me in chains and I still would be free because my thoughts would be mine - and that's all I want to have.

They advertise on the radio for food stamps!

My biggest icon is Liz Taylor because I don’t think she had great taste but I loved her energy.

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

Few novels or plays could exist without at least one troublemaker in the group, and perhaps life couldn't either.

Meditation is focused attention and the more we practise focusing our brains the more connections we build up.

Obama passes Obamacare, the Tea Party comes into existence over two things: this out of control Obama spending.