The truth I do not stretch or shove When I state the dog is full of love. I've also proved, by actual test, A wet dog is the lovingest.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Your personality should be described in poem not in paragraph.

There's two wolves battling us all right now... One's good, the other one is evil. If you're wondering which wolf inside will succeed, simple it's the one that you feed...

There are some women out there who are just going to look better with a mustache: that's statistics.

Growing up, in church we had the homily; at home it's what I call the 'momily' - the inspirational and instructive mom-isms that every family has.

We don’t recruit volunteers; we release leaders. Volunteers do good things but leaders change the world.

Its unfortunate and I really wish I wouldn't have to say this, but I really like human beings who have suffered. They're kinder.

Talking to a drunk person was like talking to an extremely happy, severely brain-damaged three-year-old.

Where had I been that I didn't know about imaginary friends? I could see the point of it. How a lost part of yourself steps out and remind you who you could be with a little work.

When I watch TV, I'm embarrassed by some of what's on.

The great and invigorating influences in American life have been the unorthodox: the people who challenge an existing institution or way of life, or say and do things that make people think.