The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump's autism was caused by a vaccination that went terribly wrong; this explains why he can't relate to other people.

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.

Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?

Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or is it depths?

If brevity is the soul of wit then brevity and levity are the whole of it.

It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.

It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!

If there is anything that links the human to the divine, it is the courage to stand by a principle when everybody else rejects it.

He was a living dead man. According to official records he had died, not once, but twice. yet he still breathed

You can't teach a hunter it's wrong to kill.

Rap is poetry to music, like beatniks without beards and bongos.

It is curious how much more interest can be evoked by a mixture of gossip, romance and mystery than by facts.

People forget what they want to forget.

Thoughtcrime does not entail death: thoughtcrime IS death.

If you don't have a plan, you become part of somebody else's plan.

I give you the end of a golden string, Only wind it into a ball, It will lead you in at Heaven's gate Built in Jerusalem's wall.

I won't miss Grissom. It was a complete life for me that's reached its end, and it's reached it in the right way, I think. So I won't miss Grissom. And I hope that the audience won't miss him either.