The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

The mind creates those things that exist.

Will I ever see the mountains or am I doomed to roam the flatlands?

Our people must be taught to desist from accepting bribes. The ability to say NO, must become a core value of our nation

If I could have a special power in real life I'd love to fly.

Nought is there in wealth That serves as bulwark 'gainst the subtle stealth Of Destiny and Doom.

I knew very early on that there would be quite a bit of attention: Superman is known all over the place.

When the accumulation of wealth is no longer of high social importance, there will be great changes in the code of morals.

All the math you need in the stock market you get in the fourth grade.

America's a hard school, I know, but hard schools make excellent graduates.

Come give us a taste of your quality.