The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Like so many others my story begins with that same old line…. ‘So anyway, there was this guy….’ Until one day…. there wasn’t.And nothing was ever the same after that….

The grandeur of a profession is...above all, uniting men: there is only one true luxury, that of human relationships.

I have a couple of gold teeth. I had braces for a year but I didn't wear the retainer.

Sadly, this problem of steroid use is not isolated to baseball.

Women, more often than not, do things which aren't remotely relaxing but are all about preening, which is just another sort of work.

What good is success if you're not willing to share it?

Let us march immediately, and never lay down our arms until we obtain our independence.

I think a lot of people are afraid of being happy because of what others might think of it.

I have come not to disturb or destroy any faith, but to confirm each in his own faith - so that the Christian becomes a better Christian, the Muslim, a better Muslim, and the Hindu, a better Hindu.

Children who are readers will develop acceptable levels of literacy.