The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

When nations resort to arms, the human spirit is like a bird that cannot stand to hear its own song.

Practice trust in small matters for huge returns in the large ones.

When God made up this world of ours, He made it long and wide, And meant that it should shelter all, And none should be denied.

If you face just one opponent, and you doubt yourself, you're out-numbered

We create a product nobody needs but people want. You spend more for what you really want; some boring things you need: an ugly old car can wait, but if you have a new fashion item it cannot wait.

I certainly have the feeling that I'm the same person even though I've changed a great deal.

My life failed on the very day I was born.

I grew up middle class. My father was a public functionary who didn't leave an inheritance, just debts.

Watching children grow up, you learn a lot about life and about being a better person - you learn a lot about what's really important in the world and what isn't.