The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The aim here is not to separate fact from fantasy but to show how each embodies a distinct class of knowledge and how one is deeply implicated in the other.

However much we do to avoid them we shall never lack crosses in this life if we are in the ranks of the Crucified.

Emirates Stadium should be named after Arsene Wenger

I always take a cold shower to wake me up and close my pores. Then I moisturize my face.

Sisterhood cannot be assumed on the basis of gender; it must be forged in concrete historical and political practice and analysis

Poets are always taking the weather so personally.

I've always wanted to be a guy with a rec room.

Israel gets more than half of all the military purchasing assistance that America gives to all the nations in the world.

Outdid the meat, outdid the frolic wine.

Nothing we see or hear is perfect. But right there in the imperfection is perfect reality.