The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

If you want to be a physicist, you must do three things-first, study mathematics, second, study more mathematics, and third, do the same.

If I had one dollar left, I'd spend it on PR

I left the golden age of documentaries to go into the golden days of the 'CBS Evening News.' You could see that the audiences were eroding.

At its best, [Japanese cooking] is inextricably meshed with aesthetics, with religion, with tradition and history. It is evocative of seasonal changes, or of one's childhood, or of a storm at sea.

Satyagraha and civil disobedience and fasts have nothing in common with the use of force, veiled or open.

Riches don't respond to wishes. They respond only to definite plans, backed by definite desires, through constant persistence.

The magi, as you know, were wise men wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.

I don't plan a career. That doesn't work for me. I just have to go with my gut.

O hushed October morning mild, Begin the hours of this day slow, Make the day seem to us less brief... Retard the sun with gentle mist; Enchant the land with amethyst.

It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.