The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Beauty is a treasure grove within. Beauty has different layers and depths. Peel and and look beyond the surface deep into the heart, the soul, and the mind

Just two people in love.

The strength of brand loyalty begins with how your product makes people feel.

Sometimes there are accidents in our lives the skillful extrication from which demands a little folly.

Satire is what closes on Saturday night.

The sky is one whole, the water another

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

A lot of times people hide their quirks when they're first getting to know a person.

While their methods differ radically, artists and physicists share the desire to investigate the ways the interlocking pieces of reality fit together. This is the common ground upon which they meet.

All medicine comes down to this: Find out what's bugging you; get rid of it. Find out what you need; get it. The body does the rest.