The world is full of horrible things.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I do love nothing in the world so well as you- is not that strange?

The beauty of independence, departure, actions that rely on themselves.

Life isn’t how you survive the thunderstorm, but how you dance in the rain.

I think kids should be doing pickup or futsal all the time.

People are threatened by me. Rich white, rich blacks, it doesn't matter.

Happiness is not about the trophy, or the finish line. It's the journey. If you enjoy your journey, you can enjoy your life

There is a prayer that lives in the center of your heart. If you pray it, it will change your life. How does it begin?

For me, whenever I'm physical it spins my mind and whenever there's a lot going on I put my gloves on or I wrestle somebody and I feel zen.

What I think is going on is that probably language was entertainment long before it was meaning. It's a kind of tuneless singing.

Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity.