The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

A blunder at the right moment is better than cleverness at the wrong time.

There are highly gifted spirits who are always infertile simply because, owing to a weakness in temperament, they are too impatient to wait out their pregnancy to term.

Perhaps the single most important thing that we can do to undo the harm we have done is to fix firmly in our minds the thought: the earth is alive.

I keep saying this about a mental state, but the more that I am physically active, the more that my mind is clear.

Dim them lights get it in pimp tight do wat i do i lace up my own nikes.

The process of learning is a nonstop orgy of wonderment.

People are reluctant to cite boredom as grounds for divorce.

I've been so used to being supported by musicians, and I don't class myself as a particularly adept musician on instruments. I think I'm a songwriter.

The brain is a world consisting of a number of unexplored continents and great stretches of unknown territory.

Realization of God cannot be achieved without ecstatic love for Him.