The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

Morality is the weakness of the mind.

Nothing is inanimate

I'm on a strict gossip diet. No gossip websites, no gossip magazines. Otherwise, I find it paralyzing to exist.

I've seen so many period pieces in my life, I really enjoy them so much, a lot of my favorite movies are period pieces.

At fifteen my mind was directed to study, and at thirty I knew where to stand.

The rain wasn't the usual glittering silver, but dark and dirty, as if nature were a scrubwoman wringing out a filthy mop.

Monday Night Football. That was everything to me because you get a chance to show everybody what you're capable of. It's only two teams on that Monday night.

Morality is the custom of one's country and the current feeling of one's peers.

There's a lot out there for me to learn that isn't in college, so I think it's fine for me if I don't go yet.

It's amazing how someone's IQ seems to double as soon as you give them responsibility and indicate that you trust them.