The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Time waits for no man"That is what they say.That is why our time spent together, is so special in so, so many ways.

I am Indonesian. I don't buy fear of western ghosts.But when you deal with a giant garagasi of sumatera, there's no word worth enough to express the eeriness.

I do understand why a desperate engineer still use a hammerto solve a hard problem. I think, that made him more humane.

Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile.

If we could all take a sober look at our history, then we would no longer see this nostalgic attitude to the Soviet past that predominates among the less affected part of our society.

For the truth is that men do not desire to be the Common Man any more than they are the Common Man. They need greatness in others and the occasion to discover the greatness in themselves.

The Secret to a long and healthy life is to be stress-free. Be grateful for everything you have, stay away from people who are negative stay smiling and keep running.

Well, I don't know as I want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do. I hire him to tell how to do what I want to do.

Love is love, no matter who you fall in love with, love is love, it can be painful, it can be wonderful.

Trees in winter lose their leaves. Some trees may even fall during storms, but most stand patiently and bear their fortune.