Then here's to the heartening wassail, Wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

The most important truth we tell is the truth we tell ourselves.

The topics which language limits us to aren’t much worth discussing in the first place.(attrib: F.L. Vanderson)

There is a great independence, and a confident immunity to risk, in all drinks made out of cactus.

Einstein ... always spoke to me of Rutherford in the highest terms, calling him a second Newton.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

My voice is not so much 'bel canto' as 'can belto'.

It's my motto for life. 'Walk slowly; drink lots of water.

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

I've only been in one fight in my whole life... in 7th grade, yet everyone thinks I'm a maniac.

Ideas are the very coinage of your brain.