There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

Living in the past is like choosing to cling to a chronic illness.

I would like to live a day in the life of an ant and hope not to get squashed.

It's a poor kind of man that won't fight for his own freedom.

The executive branch maneuvered this result deftly.

[In politics] no good deed goes unpunished

There has been no warming over 18 years.

Lots of African-American people really so adore Barack Obama that they're unwilling to even be mildly critical of him.

How you respond to the challenge in the second half will determine what you become after the game, whether you are a winner or a loser.

I feel a strange, fierce squeeze in my heart when I see him, like pride, although there's nothing about Sean that I can take credit for.

Well, a lot of successes come by mistake.