There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

Horse is fine. I'll ride a horse.

Our only business is to love God, not to ask God for our necessities.

There was a sound in their voices which suggested rum.

I like taking a character at the most intense moments of their lives and exploring all that in full and then moving on.

Alas, poor men, their destiny. When all goes well a shadow will overthrow it. If it be unkind one stroke of a wet sponge wipes all the picture out.

I FIND IT SO DIFFICULT NOT TO HATE, WHEN I DO NOT HATE I FEEL WE FEW ARE SO LONELY IN THE WORLD

Be strong, be brave, be true. Endure.

The deeper minds of all ages have had pity for animals.

The second world war claimed tens of millions of victims.

our contempt of wealth does not extend beyond the hour when we can get it in possession.

The strongest leaders do not command, they empower