There are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn't advise you to try to invade.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

I gave up drinking once -- it was the worst afternoon of my entire life.

(On Bette Davis) Even when I was carrying a gun, she scared the be-jesus out of me.

Ain’t nothing a man can’t do if he believes in himself.

What's at the end of a million dollars? Zero, zero, zero... nothing. A circle with a hole in it.

Rick: Here's looking at you, kid.

Such a lot of guns around town and so few brains!

A hot dog at the game beats roast beef at the Ritz.

All you owe the public is a good performance.

The only reason to make a million dollars in this business is to tell some fat producer to go to hell.

Kindle the flame of fire in your spirit.

The audible signals people can produce are not a series of crisp beeps like on a touch-tone phone. Speech is a river of breath, bent into hisses and hums by the soft flesh of the mouth and throat.

Be not another, if you can be yourself.

I hate intellectuals. They are from the top down. I am from the bottom up.

Shaq is Shaq. I did an episode of The Soup with Shaq, and he shook my hand, and I felt like I was a Ken doll, like I had no hand.

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

Your mental attitude is your motivation and your inspiration.

One function of art is to de-kitschify kitsch.

People talk about the All Woman video to this day.

The problems of elites is an old one for which Americans have found no solid answer.