There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

I'm no health care expert, but you've got technology that constantly advances the ability to extend life and maybe improve lifestyle. That puts constant upward pressure on health care costs.

I know that my dad not being in my life made a huge impact on me.

He overcomes a stout enemy who overcomes his own anger.

Go where you are wanted and stray from where you aren't. Surround yourself with positive people and environments.

When you start to meditate, if you stick with it, you will see tremendous changes in your life and state of mind.

You cannot build a little guy up by tearing a big guy down. Abraham Lincoln said it...

Make big plans, but change your plans as time changes.

I am what I am because of who we all are.

Nothing is so commonplace has the wish to be remarkable.

Do what's right and you'll please some of the people and astound the rest.