There are only two emotions in a plane: boredom and terror.

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

Create your own visual style... let it be unique for yourself and yet identifiable for others.

Race hate isn't human nature; race hate is the abandonment of human nature.

Popularity should be no scale for the election of politicians. If it would depend on popularity, Donald Duck and The Muppets would take seats in senate.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The essential is to excite the spectators. If that means playing Hamlet on a flying trapeze or in an aquarium, you do it.

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

Personally, I don't like a girlfriend to have a husband. If she'll fool her husband, I figure she'll fool me.

A writer must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid.

Be true to your sacred self.

A smile is happiness you'll find right under your nose.

My folks always let me go to the movies every Saturday. We were really motion-picture goers.

I was a punk. I think that's why I'm such a good person now, because I was such a bad guy then.

Life is a dead-end street.

I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.

If I had not been defeated in Acre against Jezzar Pasha of Turk. I would conquer all of the East.

Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.

I've been such an outsider my whole life.